It's true; it happened to me on Sunday. It seems like lately, every time we go to church here in Chicago, it causes me to get sad. Ridiculous? You're telling me! This week it stemmed from the fact that we could actually go to Covenant (the married Sunday School class that meets after church) except for the fact that Stephen had a commitment which would require me to go alone until he could meet up with me. This sounds all good except for the fact that we can RARELY attend Covenant because of different ways that Stephen volunteers around church. Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset that my husband volunteers at church, it just makes it hard to commit to a class that meets after church. On top of that, we tend to be out of town on the weekends when Stephen doesn't have a commitment, thus making our visits to Covenant sporadic and rare.
We walk into Covenant (I made him go with me so we could find a place to sit near friends and I wouldn't have to do it alone - pathetic, I know) and we knew (let me clarify, I knew) no one in the room. He was going to leave me sitting at a table alone (which you'd think I'd be able to handle) until I told him that I didn't feel comfortable doing this (I'm a big baby). We left the class and I sat, read and waited for him to finish. Once he finished, we both walked into Covenant halfway through the class and I had a sour attitude the whole time. "I know no one here..." "Studying God is so intimate, I miss my old church..." "Boo-Hoo I'm a big baby..." - these are all thoughts conjuring in my mind.
We left, and I got sad. I sat in the front passenger seat of the car while Stephen drove and I cried. Like a big baby I sat there and allowed myself to think about all the things in Lexington that I miss and throw myself a pity-party. I think what really got me was just the idea that this is going to be something that I'm going to have to work through for good. As far as we know it, we're not moving back to Lexington, and even if we did, that wouldn't mean that all the things I miss would be the same or all the people I love would still live there. When and if we leave Chicago and move back to Kentucky, it will be Louisville and I will have to work through these feelings again.
On top of a rough Sunday at church, I started a new Bible Study Sunday night. This is the first time in my life that I've joined a Bible Study barely knowing (if I know them at all) the people in it. I was sad all day (crazy? I know!) because I missed my Thursday night Bible Study. I missed Frankie and her snacks as well as her deep insight and willingness to lovingly nudge us along no matter how uncomfortable it made us feel. I missed all the girls that I saw on a weekly basis that I felt so comfortable surrounded by while diving deep into Scripture. I have to move on from this!
I love my life in Lexington and I need to embrace it, but I also need to be open to this new challenge and adventure that is quickly losing its newness and sparkle. I need to accept the fact that my salvation is MY salvation and my walk with the Lord is MY walk with the Lord, no matter what Bible Study I'm in or which Sunday school class I attend. I need to love my Lexington friends but not let myself sit in sorrow at the fact that that chapter of my life is over (not my friendships, just that chapter). I need to memorize and worship in the words of David when he said,
"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge."
-Psalm 62:5-8
I also need to thank God for my amazing husband who wipes my tears and shares in my sadness whenever I get overwhelmed with the changes here.
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