Monday, April 12, 2010

Breakdown a.k.a. Meltdown a.k.a. A Pity-Party

It's true; it happened to me on Sunday.  It seems like lately, every time we go to church here in Chicago, it causes me to get sad.  Ridiculous?  You're telling me!  This week it stemmed from the fact that we could actually go to Covenant (the married Sunday School class that meets after church) except for the fact that Stephen had a commitment which would require me to go alone until he could meet up with me.  This sounds all good except for the fact that we can RARELY attend Covenant because of different ways that Stephen volunteers around church.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset that my husband volunteers at church, it just makes it hard to commit to a class that meets after church.  On top of that, we tend to be out of town on the weekends when Stephen doesn't have a commitment, thus making our visits to Covenant sporadic and rare.
We walk into Covenant (I made him go with me so we could find a place to sit near friends and I wouldn't have to do it alone - pathetic, I know) and we knew (let me clarify, I knew) no one in the room.  He was going to leave me sitting at a table alone (which you'd think I'd be able to handle) until I told him that I didn't feel comfortable doing this (I'm a big baby).  We left the class and I sat, read and waited for him to finish.  Once he finished, we both walked into Covenant halfway through the class and I had a sour attitude the whole time.  "I know no one here..." "Studying God is so intimate, I miss my old church..."  "Boo-Hoo I'm a big baby..." - these are all thoughts conjuring in my mind.
We left, and I got sad.  I sat in the front passenger seat of the car while Stephen drove and I cried.  Like a big baby I sat there and allowed myself to think about all the things in Lexington that I miss and throw myself a pity-party.  I think what really got me was just the idea that this is going to be something that I'm going to have to work through for good.  As far as we know it, we're not moving back to Lexington, and even if we did, that wouldn't mean that all the things I miss would be the same or all the people I love would still live there.  When and if we leave Chicago and move back to Kentucky, it will be Louisville and I will have to work through these feelings again.
On top of a rough Sunday at church, I started a new Bible Study Sunday night.  This is the first time in my life that I've joined a Bible Study barely knowing (if I know them at all) the people in it.  I was sad all day (crazy?  I know!) because I missed my Thursday night Bible Study.  I missed Frankie and her snacks as well as her deep insight and willingness to lovingly nudge us along no matter how uncomfortable it made us feel.  I missed all the girls that I saw on a weekly basis that I felt so comfortable surrounded by while diving deep into Scripture.  I have to move on from this!
I love my life in Lexington and I need to embrace it, but I also need to be open to this new challenge and adventure that is quickly losing its newness and sparkle.  I need to accept the fact that my salvation is MY salvation and my walk with the Lord is MY walk with the Lord, no matter what Bible Study I'm in or which Sunday school class I attend.  I need to love my Lexington friends but not let myself sit in sorrow at the fact that that chapter of my life is over (not my friendships, just that chapter).  I need to memorize and worship in the words of David when he said,


"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; 
       my hope comes from him.
 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
       he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
 My salvation and my honor depend on God;
       he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
 Trust in him at all times, O people;
       pour out your hearts to him,
       for God is our refuge."
                -Psalm 62:5-8

I also need to thank God for my amazing husband who wipes my tears and shares in my sadness whenever I get overwhelmed with the changes here.

7 comments:

  1. Oh Kari - change is so hard. I don't know if you remember when I had a meltdown when I moved into the apartment with you my junior year of college because moving into an apartment meant that Lexington was where I lived. When I lived in the dorm it was like that was just temporary, all my stuff was in Columbus, but when I got an apartment I realized that I now lived in Lexington. I totally understand and don't think you are a baby at all. I would be the same way. I know Godwill carry you through it and will make your relationship with Him so much stronger and intimate through this.

    This part probably doesn't help, but lately I have been missing you like crazy! I am done with you being in Chicago and I just want to be able to hang out. Doesn't help I haven't been able to come see you yet - we'll rectify that this summer - but still, please know that we miss you ALOT!

    Ok, this was super long - I should have just written you a letter :) Love you!

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  2. Hope you are having a better day today!!!

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  3. Kari,
    I love you so much, and I totally understand what you are going through! I felt that way when Jon and I moved to Georgia! You are strong Kari, in fact that is the Number 1 thing i admire about you! Your strength and your walk with Jesus! You can do ANYTHING with HIM on your side.
    I love you and i won't lie to you, i give myself a pity party daily that you arent here to help me through my horrible days. WE CAN DO THIS!

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  4. Hang in there! I just wanted to say HI! I saw your title and I knew I had to stop by. BTW I'm just downstate from you. :)

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  5. Love I Lati! What u r feeling is normal & I know I would ne feeling the same way. Praying for u girl!

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  6. So I completely randomly happened upon your blog today (I'm sick and sitting on the couch so am surfing the web...found your blog through Kate Kopp's). Anyway, I felt like sharing with you that I know exactly how you feel. I moved to Seattle almost three years ago and still have periods where I miss Lexington incredibly. The Lord led me to Seattle and has blessed me immensely since being here (met my husband!), but it is difficult to be in a place where you know a limited number of people. I, too, have cried frequently and my now husband has wiped many a tear! I appreciate that you are going to the Lord. He is our ultimate sense of comfort and peace and will provide that for you, too! And it is okay to be sad at times as long as you maintain your vision on Jesus! It does become easier as time goes on. And you're not the only one that has to force themselves to go into a class - I still have to talk myself into going to our small group all the time. My thoughts here are somewhat sporadic, but I just want to let you know that I'm going to say a prayer for you right now. I pray that the Lord of ultimate love and peace will be with you. He never gives us more than we can handle with him.

    Kim (Curry) Ives

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  7. and boom.

    you just described my life. same exact feelings kari. we should talk (at least email) more often.

    miss you to pieces.

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